“It is well with my soul…”
You know, those words often put me to shame. To say them and to understand their meaning and apply it to your life means that you are totally and completely trusting God. You’re letting go of it and giving it to Him. As a Christian, I like to think that I am trusting God and His purpose for my life, but as a flawed human being who is in need of His grace, redemption, and salvation, it shames me to realize that I don’t fully put my trust in Him quite as often as I think.
But nobody ever said that it would be easy, and it’s something that we all struggle with.It is something that I’m struggling with even now. I’ve been through so much emotionally and mentally even in just the last 6 months, and it was not always easy to see His blessings in the darkness. I’ve been living in my current city for about a year and a half and this last part has been so terrible that I would like to forget about it and never think of it again.
But I think back to when I first moved here over a year ago…I was so excited. I had prayed about it, I had visited, I was ready because I knew in my heart that my longing to be here was instilled in me by the knowledge that it is where God wanted me to be. There was a purpose, even if I didn’t know what it was yet–even if I didn’t stumble across that purpose for 5 or 10 years! Now, as I’m working through a bit of a depression and preparing to take a break and leave for a while, I had this thought…what if God put me here to go through this trying experience?Not to torture me, because He would never do that, but to teach me. To force me to look at the strength of my relationship with Him and fortify it.
That is a really, really hard one to swallow. My automatic thought in response to that is, “Well it freaking sucked, so thanks a lot!” But that shouldn’t be my response…My response, from my heart, even if it’s with tears in my eyes, and the sting of pain still tangible, should be, “Okay.I see what You did there, God. And it is well with my soul.” It is so hard to make myself look at this recent time that I went through and see the good that has come out of it. So hard. But, as I’m being reminded, I will continue to see the benefits from it for myself and for others in my life, for the rest of my life. God will never give me something useless. It was an experience that has made me stronger and given me a foundation for helping others who might be in a situation that I can now identify with. And, most importantly, it has drawn me closer to Him.