There is no such thing as breaking even..

I’m fairly certain that I have alluded before to the recent falling out I had with my college roommates, although not in detail. I am not going to harp on about everything that happened, but I’ll just say it was ugly and therapists and campus counseling and wellness got involved and everything ended on cold and bitter notes.

So last night I had a dream about one of them. I don’t usually remember my dreams but I am not likely to forget this one…

It was Christmas time and everyone was all dressed up and we were in one of the classrooms at my old high school, for some strange reason. I found myself sitting next to one of my ex roommates. I knew everyone else in the room but I was her only connection. Somebody was wandering around taking pictures of everyone, so when they came back to us I said I would take a picture with her. She just looked so happy and we hugged and told each other how much we had missed each other and how sorry we both were for everything that had happened.

That actually made me really sad. As time goes by, I find that there are days every once in a while when I just miss them. I truly thought I had made friends that I could keep forever. We spent almost two years laughing ourselves silly together, talking late at night, doing each other’s hair and makeup and going everywhere together. I miss all of that. And I wish I could tell them that.But then I remember that, based on their most recent past behavior, they probably wouldn’t care. And that hurts. I find myself wondering if things could have gone differently. I try and think back to every small scenario and try to see if there was any way I could have said or done anything different, I wonder if it even would have really mattered.

Odds are that these people who I shared so much with over that short space of time–we probably won’t really see each other again. And even if I can’t change the past, I just wish that there was some small way that I could let them know that I bear them no ill will–that I wish them all the very best and that I’m thankful for all the good times we had together. But I think that ship sailed a long time ago now and that makes me sad.

I won’t deny that I’m selfish enough to wonder if they ever think about me and all the fun we used to have. Or whether they only think ill of me after our falling out….or if they ever think of me at all.

Because that’s what hurts the most when someone just lets go of you like that, as if it was the easiest thing in the world–the thought that, despite the promises you made and the things you shared, they didn’t think you were worth keeping or fighting for.

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