Life Wanderer

“Don’t worry, I’m not lost. I know right where I am.”

Have you ever, at some point in your adult life, had some moment where you look around and think, “How the heck did I wind up here?” I have. I admit it. And I had a similar moment just recently.

I have a four year old who has recently been having some major separation anxiety issues. I don’t mean he just misses me when I’m not there. I’m talking about practically-has-a-complete-emotional-breakdown-if-he-can’t-see-you level of anxiety. If we are at home and I get up off of the couch to go into the kitchen, within 1 to 2 minutes I’ll hear him call for me and say “Where are you?!” He doesn’t like it when he can’t see us, which means school is also difficult now. A couple of weeks ago I was dropping him off in the morning and he said he didn’t want to go to school, which is SO not like him. When I asked him why not, he said, “Because you’ll leave. And I can’t see you.” So I knelt down and talked to him about how that’s okay, because I always come back. While he’s at school, I just go back home, etc. And then he looked at me and said, “But what if you get lost?” Heartbreakingly adorable. I told him, “Don’t worry, I’m not lost. I know right where I am.”

At the time, I didn’t really think much about it. I mean, when I said that to him it meant something. But I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me when I thought back over it later. I’m a planner. I always have everything mapped out, to the tiniest detail. And I don’t always like it when the plans change, but I can deal with it, because I always have a plan, so I can still feel like a control. But thinking back over those words brought me to one of those moments where I thought, “I’m not lost. I know right where I am. But where exactly is that? And how the heck did I get here?”

You see, looking at my life and how wonderfully amazing it is right now, it is absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. In no way whatsoever does it match up to any plan that I’ve ever come up with for my future within the last ten years of my life. And it practically floored me to realize this all of a sudden, but…I’m okay with that. Somehow with all of the changes I’ve had in my life over the last couple of years, and with how caught up I’ve been with my own busy-ness (<–is that even a word?), I’ve wandered away from all of the specific plans I’d been clinging to. But I’m okay with that. Actually, I’m more than okay with that–I’m totally thrilled and blissfully happy with it, because if I hadn’t, my life wouldn’t be what it is right now. And it is many things each and every day: fun, crazy, hilarious, hard, hectic, happy, frustrating..and amazing. A gift.

Its a lesson I didn’t even really consciously set out to learn, but learn I did. Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you stumble across outside of your box or off of the beaten path.

So, no worries. I’m not lost. I know right where I am, and I love it.

Getting my bearings..

You know, sometimes when there are a lot of changes going on in your life, it can be easy to get so caught up in the chaos that you not only forget to take the time to rest, but it can also be easy to feel a little dejected. Even if the sudden whirlwind of activity is for the best and you know that good things are coming from it, sometimes it just makes us feel like we’re a little lost.

I myself have been going through a ton of changes all at once. I packed up and moved, got a brand new job and started working practically as soon as I got off of my plane. I’ve been so busy, and while I know in my heart and my mind that the work that I’m doing and the changes that are happening to my life are good things, I’ve been getting so wrapped up in the change itself that I’ve had all¬†sorts of things running through my mind lately, like…

I don’t know how I got here.
Did I decide to come to this place for the right reasons?
Why am I here?
Where do I go from here?
What is the plan for me?
What if I’ve had it all wrong up til now?
Am I truly happy here? And if I am feeling discontented, why is that?

I think it is pretty normal to be feeling things like thist in the midst of all of the things that have been going on. But to keep struggling means that I’m not centered, and that’s not good. It’s just a matter of finding your balance again.
I just recently heard a song for the first time a couple of days ago, and it really spoke to me (don’t you just love it when music does that?). It was just one of those instances when a meaningful song was telling me all of the things that I needed to hear–that I am right where I need to be and that I have a job here that needs to be done, so I need to appreciate that I am a part of a plan, and it is all under control.
Maybe you need to hear those same things today…

“Long before you drew your first breath, a dream was coming true.
God wanted to give a gift to the world, so He wrapped it up in you.
Every step that you’ve taken, every move that you make,
Is part of His plan.
You were meant to be touching the lives that you touch,
And meant to be here, making this world mean so much
More than it would be without you in it.
You were meant to be bringing the gifts that you bring,
And singing the songs you’ve been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be.
You were meant to be.
Long before you took your first fall,
You stumbled to the ground,
God started telling the story of you to the angels around.
Every failure and victory, everything in between,
It’s all in His hand.
You were meant to be touching the lives that you touch.
And meant to be here, making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it.
You were meant to be bringing the gifts that you bring,
And singing the songs you’ve been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be.
You were meant to be.
For every breath that you’re taking,
And every move that you make,
It’s a meaningful life you’ve been given.
Live it well.
You were meant to be touching the lives that you touch.
And meant to be here, making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it.
You were meant to be bringing the gifts that you bring,
And singing the songs you’ve been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be.
You are meant to be.”
-Steven Curtis Chapman